Camryn Elise arrived today.
Camryn Elise arrived today. Although in no hurry to make our acquaintance. She is 8 lbs 6 oz 21 inches of baby girl-ness. With lots of black curls. And fingernails. And the most alert eyes. Looking, searching, studying. A serious little thing. All business.
Two big brothers and an adoring aunt. Loving parents. A chosen child. Just like her mother.
It hadn’t happened for along time. I avoid it. It’s easy to avoid. But sometimes I let it come. It was night. I had turned off the lights. But could not sleep. I gave up and sat up in the dark and looked around. And there it was. That sense that I am a being in a dark bedroom in a house on the earth floating in space. I could not separate floating in larger space from lightly floating in my body in my bedroom. There is a sense of aloneness, no an awareness of existing. Of existing in a body. An awareness of time sweeping past. Rocketing around the room and yet I am in the midst of stillness. It is not a good feeling. It is a very scary feeling. I am aware of everything around me being around me, sitting there in the darkness, two nightstands, a rocker, the dresser, the walls, knowledge of the rooms beyond. But it is all just sitting there. While I wondered where I was.
When I first had this experience, I was about 6 or 7. I remember it was afternoon and I was in my living room on Oakwood Road, sitting in an armchair, looking at my hand as if it were outside of me. I kept turning it over and back as if to check and see if I was there. Had I left my body? I was terrified. Only I could see that I was experiencing time. Only I could see that I was surrounded and all alone. Everything around me just there. Where was I?
Does anyone else go there? You can’t tell anyone, because there are no words to really explain it. So, as I walk down the street, looking the strangers who pass by, perhaps lots of people have been there too, anxious and alone. But you’d never know it. And to what end if we shared? We’d still be alone. Aware, made knowledgeable, but powerless.
Mostly I can keep it at bay with lists and tasks, goals and objectives. But I can also go there in an instant. If I want to. Just to see if I can. I am never any better or worse because of it. Well, it is a little heavy on the heart to do so. And when I come back I feel diminished.
