Sad little demitasse cup and saucer...

We hold onto things

                                   

PART I

I folded over the table

where I was  folding newsprint paper

around a picture of something

I wanted to hold onto.

But I couldn’t; I folded it tighter

hugging my fist wrapped picture

to my forehead,

but the tears just came anyway.


It was a picture of a toddler

in a tiny swimsuit

with safety bubble on her back

by a swimming pool.

She is carefully guiding the pool skimmer pole

with her little hands

gathering those annoying bits of leaves and fly parts

that she doesn’t want to swim with--

--little master of her domain.

A sweet moment captured in a frame

a symbol of all the moments I am holding onto. 

                                     *** 

                                    PART II

I have held onto so many things.

There are millions of emblems

bouncing around me.

with their nagging little voices:

Remember me, Love me, Save me;

receipts, old financial papers—

how long do I keep these?,

pictures of everyone I ever knew,

a broken demitasse cup—

a little glue and it would be like new;

an earring missing a pearl—

surely I can find a little pearl to restore it--

handmade baby clothes—

really? Do I need handmade baby clothes??

                                    ***

                                    PART III

This moving thing is not just about packing:

save, give away, trash. Oh no, it’s much more than that.

At my age, I am jettisoning huge tracts of my life,

entire chapters in the shredder, debris down the drain.

Is there any reason to be reminded of any of it anyway?

I shall relegate all memories to that “Where did I put my keys?”

region of the brain.

Their work is done.  Those memories made me.

I need not carry their detritus around with me anymore. 

I need not trail a dust cloud of impertinent minutia.

It is time to fly the coop, leave the nest

of accumulated possessions and lessons learned

and just be.  

So I can just go…

                                    ***

                                    PART IV

Each successive move, I strip more away.

In both possessions and memories.

Soon I will be living in a hut.

Thinking about the present.

Inspired by Suzanne

Low Sunday 2012

Imagine you are in a great cavernous room;

a place that makes  you feel small, yet safe--

vaulted and open, spacious and free

like a cathedral of trees, or a beech with a breeze.

There, there are many strangers

and acquaintances

from the present and the past

and someone stands and says:

“I am a nobody, no one special.

but I heard something.”

(and—we all love gossip—every ear is ready to hear)

“I have heard that …” he says.

“if you have a secret worry

or a small secret fear--

something you have told no one,

absolutely no one… ever;

or if you did, not in a way that they believe you.

Even your parents did not believe you—

‘oh, poo poo,

you do not mean that’

(because they knew

it was true

and thought if they denied it,

it would not be true)

Well, if you have this thought,

I have heard there is someone

who knows how you feel,

what you think…

In fact, you all have someone,

someone who believes you

and whose eyes drink you in,

whose arms enfold you

without touching your skin

you feel warmth

like when you come in from the cold.

You are transformed ”

He says.  “I have heard this is true.”
I too have heard this for years and years,

but I have not run into this someone.

Not personally.  Have you?

To be polite, I don’t challenge him.

No one does.  It’s such a nice idea.

We all hope we will run into someone like this

for we think we are ready to tell our secrets.

Are they secrets?

What if I have the same secrets?

If I have the same fears, the same worries,

do I need to share my secrets?

Are they still secrets? 

Or do I just think it’s a secret?

What if I go about my business

pretending I know the secrets

of everyone I meet.

Believing them,

drinking them in with my eyes,

enfolding them with my imaginary arms,

sending warmth so they won’t be cold.

Then I would be somebody special.

Savasana

Lying on my mat lightly breathing with

my body feeling heavy sinking and

weighted down on a non existent floor.

I feel tear drops peaking out when

hands press down on my shoulders--are

my hands softly slipping under these hands?

I massage the palms with my thumbs then

softly slip away like a breath and a caress and

my fingertips too drift away, back to my sides.

I am imagining that it is the end of life and

I am nearing heaven--but not quite yet for

there is too much to do, but less and less.

My lists vaporize, I faintly hear the bells of

the music that surrounds us all beating a

slow steady rhythm calling me inward.

I see tableaus, pictures gone by and

albumen images of the past stalking me on

my closed eye lids—sifting in and out.

Still images of moments fade into view while

I breathe in very, very slowly and let it out just

as slack and easy, for now I have no arms or legs.

I hope it will be like this:  melting away or

heavy and weightless, so very tired that

you really don’t care if you breathe or live or die.

Nonetheless, now I shall float away into

that distant beacon of bright light by

choice, because I can and it is dark here.

Thomas O. Morin

Thy name is integrity.

Thank you for welcoming Jack and me into the Asbury church family

many, many moons ago.

Thy name is gracious.

Thank you for sharing your grief while reading many, many condolence cards

when Mary died.

Thy name is brave.

Thank you for encompassing me in your joyous love of the outdoors

when we kayaked the bay, the Salmon River, Fish Creek, the Moose River, the White River and on a very special trip, the Nantahala.

Thy name is happiness.

And thank you for the grace I witnessed as you neared the end

of our lonely struggles here on earth.

Thy name is inspiration.

“Secure yourself to heaven, Tom,

Hold on tight, the night has come.

Fasten up your earthly burdens,

You have just begun.”

Goodbye sweet prince of a man

Thy name is etched upon my heart.

"Secure Yourself" Indigo Girls

Amy Elizabeth Ray and Emily Ann Saliers

As I lie in bed (My faithful dog)

As I lie in bed

on a Saturday morning,

warm, cozy and content--

gazing at 6” of new snow,

my faithful dog comes by

tail waggin’ around

and says:

“Hey, you’re up!

Let’s go out!

Right now would be good!”

As I settle myself

at my desk ready to work,

the household chores done--

and all my errands run,

my faithful dog arrives

grubby toy in her mouth

and says:

“Hey, you’re up!

Let’s play tug-o-war!

Right now would be good!”

As I rest on the sofa

a little tired and sad

my nook in hand--

the remote close by.

my faithful dog sidles over

and says:

“Hey, there you are!

“I’m hungry, feed me now!

Right now would be good!”

Her eyes say it all:

“Whatever I want

would make you happy, right?

Right now would be good.”

Our every  movement  planned

(grocery shopping)

Before me a sea

of fruits and veggies…

and tended grocery carts

Between mustard greens

and the fresh string beans

I see an old friend of mine

We are most likely

to cross paths and meet

if I thread my way towards her.

Just the two of us

amid the shopping chaos--

making a chance encounter--

I hurry a bit

so as not to miss

smiling all the way.

An instant before impact

we spy and react

Bump, shock, “Hi!”

Not as expected:

delight un-reflected--

Just a “hi-how-are-you?”

I sigh, “fine-and-you?”

So embarrassed.

I roll on towards potatoes.

our every movement planned